Last time I blogged I had increased my medication. It was September, not long after my birthday and I was actually feeling optimistic about the prospect of getting better than I currently was.
I was nervous, to begin with, awaiting the same possible symptoms as before. Feeling more anxious, stomach aches and rumbling head pains did flow through however they didn’t last too long. A couple of weeks in and my feelings about everything calmed once again. Although this time I was feeling a tad more confident that I was a few weeks before. I wrote this short blog piece mid-October and never got around to completing it for publishing.
It’s now been over one month since I had my anxiety medication increased. Specifically going from 100mg to 150mg of Sertraline (I believe it is called Zoloft within the US). The first couple of weeks my anxiety increased, which I did expect and was warned about it. I kept up with my usual day to day tasks, although the side effects did make me feel a bit wary at times.
A few weeks in, a couple of weeks ago, I thought I’d give going on a bus a shot. I hadn’t been on a bus since 2015. The panicky feeling of being unable to escape the bus if I really needed to always followed me and up until about a month previous. I was convinced that buses and trains…well, just were going to be something I avoided for the remainder of my life. However, I decided to go for it. Yes, I was nervous. Yes, it was a short journey (around fifteen minutes).
Things actually progressed really well after that. Purchasing a bus ticket a couple of weeks after my first trip I went on a longer-than-before journey to the local shopping park. I was able to overfill my hands with bags and empty my purse of money in a matter of two hours. I had planned on going for one or two things, however, I ended up with a good few items and a rather proud grin on my face. There were plenty of nerves before it, whilst waiting at the bus stop I could feel the butterflies bubbling away. But I thankfully managed to talk them into taking a breather and letting me step on.
I often try to tell myself that I am ‘getting there’. But I’ve never really sat and thought where ‘there’ is. Not everyone is full happy, content and/or achieve everything they’d like to in their life. So maybe me wishing to travel further than fifteen minutes on a bus is too far out of reach. Maybe it does get better than that and I’ll be able to travel for thirty. Time will tell. But for now, it’s important for me to realise that as little as six months ago I would never have pictured myself travelling on public transport ever again.
The thought of being on a bus eventually stopped bringing me anxiety because I genuinely felt it would never happen again. Of course, that was just the ‘thinking’ of it part. The ‘doing’ did bring much anxiety. So excuse me if I have a little party-for-one in the form of a warm mug of tea, a chocolate chip pancake and a scroll through some Netflix shows.